personals
02-28-2012, 06:30 AM
Feb 18th you told me you think I shouldn't come back.. on the 19th we drove 12 hours through the mountains and snow.. you were so worked up about how things had gone between us.. you said hurtful things about me.. you spoke aggressively and irritated, you asked me things I couldn't even answer for myself.. I was lost for words.. I said nothing.. soon after you didn't speak either.. the silence had never felt so loud. I slid my rings off and returned them to you.. Your expression said it all.. You were disappointed and hurt..there was a hint of something else too.. You took them from me and threw them in the cup holder so carelessly.. a symbol of our love had been handled like it was nothing.. It broke my heart.. I didn't really want to take them off, but it would have hurt more if you asked for them.. I turned my head to look out the window, I pretended I was fine..I checked my phone though there was no signal. I felt so alone sitting there with you. All I did was stare at my hands.. and sometimes at you.. I knew your face so well.. and right in front of me you turned into this stranger.. this person I knew nothing about. I wanted so badly for you to touch me, to tell me you loved me.. I needed to hear those words bare from your mouth.. but they remained still and cold. when I turned away or stared at the road ahead, blurred and out of focus in the side of my view I would catch you looking at me for brief minutes.. I wondered if you hadn't been driving if you would look longer.. After hours of nothing I spoke.. I was hungry.. You said Merritt was coming up and that we needed gas anyways.. we pulled up and parked at the pump you searched for your wallet.. and realized it wasn't there. This only made matters worse.. after checking under the seats, in all your pockets, bags etc.. we drove hours back to Vancouver to the apartment where you left it. We were both frustrated.. I could see on your face that you were stressed and I tried my best to be kind and not complain.. In a strange way I was glad we were turning around.. It made me feel a bit better and I got to be with you that much longer. Soon you joked "well, that was a short trip.." I smiled lightly and shook my head.. It felt strange driving back the way we came in the same day.. it reminded me of in the summer time when we took road trips.. It soon made me sad to think it would be the last time driving back west with you..
We stayed quiet for a while but really it was impossible to stay angry and silent the whole drive.. especially since it would be our last moments together.. We become more talkative and you felt warmer and closer then you did 3 hours ago.. I was staring out the window again and noticed the car driving a bit off the road. I turned quickly to you and realized you had been staring at me when you turned your head back to tend to the road. I smiled with my mouth closed.. You put your hand on my leg and soon they slid closer to my hand, you held them and it was so lovely.. soon enough we reached the city, we ran back in to search for your wallet..It was on the counter in the kitchen.. while you grabbed your wallet along with some things from the fridge for the road I walked around the apartment one last time..that lingering sadness floated around in my chest again.. We left for the car and you said "Alright, lets try this again".. I laughed and we headed back on the road. The rest of the trip felt a bit like a blurr.. there were moments where we spoke, laughed, smiled and touched and moments were we didn't.. there were times you called me things like "sweetie", "hunny" or kissed my hand softly.. sometimes I would respond and sometimes I didn't, sometimes I would even become a bit angry or seem like I didn't want to be there anymore.. when I acted that way you would often pull your hand away annoyed that I wasn't being affectionate in return.. It was only because It made me upset to know that you were being nice now but as soon as we got back to Calgary that it wasn't going to change your mind about what would happen with us... I felt like a sick dog being driven to the vet to be put down. How we were or what we said on the drive there would change absolutely nothing. It was sad.. I was dying inside the closer we got. The snow and roads were beginning to over whelm you, you had a head ache.. again I tired to be kind and pleasant.. I didn't want to upset you anymore then you already were. Soon we reached the city.. you seemed in such a rush to drop me off I took all my things in first then came back to say good bye.. It felt so meaningless.. you hugged me, I said thank you for everything.. You kissed my cheek.. I walked away and you waved.. I layed down inside and tried to remember if you kissed me even once the whole trip.. I really couldn't remember. I don't remember if I cried that night.. I do remember feeling oddly releaved.. even though that sad heavy feeling still lingered in my chest.
I tired to think about all the things you asked me at the beginning of the trip...I still don't know the answers to them.. You sent me a very long text the next day letting me know you got back safe and that you were sorry if you said anything that hurt me yesterday along with other things.. you finished with saying that you don't know when or if you will ever see me again.. that really stung.. Just when I didn't think I could feel any worse.. I felt so broken.. I called up all my ex boyfriends.. they comforted me and made me feel wanted for a night when I knew that you didn't want me anymore.. I could tell they enjoyed my company, my smile, my sent, my laugh, my touch.. They wanted to hear from me again but I didn't return their calls because I had no intentions of falling in love or starting anything with old flames.. The only thing I could think about was you. I've tried and still am trying to forget you because that is the only way I will be okay right now. Friday night I let my best friend take me out for drinks, 9 drinks, 4 or 5 shooters. He kept telling everyone that we were out because I had just gotten out of a long relationship.. strangers pretended to be my friends, they told me everything I wanted to hear.. but it wasn't real so it didn't mean anything to me. That night I went home alone, I didn't want to see or hear from anyone but you. I was in an empty house all alone.. I imagined your voice speaking to me, I imaged us... and I cried.. I couldn't carry the heaviness in my chest any longer. I just wanted to reach out to you, I just wanted to hear your voice. I had made a promise to myself that I wouldn't call you or text you.. but I was at such a weak point. I called. I got your voice mail both times.. I felt so pathetic and knew I would regret what I just did in the morning.. I sat alone and felt sorry for myself, I just wanted someone to hold me, I wanted to feel ok. 5 minutes later my phone began to vibrate and your name showed on my screen.. I loved seeing it, I answered. I wish I could remember our conversation but sadly I don't.. I do remember crying to you, telling you that I just wanted to hear your voice and admitting all the regretful things I have done since being back.. The only things I remember is you calling me baby and telling me you miss me and that you have moved to a new apartment... everything after that is black and blank in my memory.. I woke up wondering if It was just a dream, but after checking my phone history I knew it wasn't.. I worried about the things I might have said. I texted you an apology.. you were shocked I didn't remember anything since you have heard me "much worse".. you then said that you felt sadder now than before I called you.. I was confused and asked why?.. you were upset that I had already slept with 3 men when I had only been home for 5 days.. I felt stupid for even mentioning other people..because I didn't even care about them and the reasons I did what I did was because I was desperate to feel something, anything other than what I was feeling before.. I didn't explain that to you when I had the chance. I was sober this time and put all my defenses up again, I simply apologized about ever phoning and ended saying that I would just leave you alone now. And all you said was ok bye... I held back my tears again, I felt completely stupid. I have been just torturing myself thinking about someone who now wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I collected myself and went off to clean and do laundry and just try to forget about everything for a minute.. later on I went to check my emails to find that you emailed me, I wasn't going to respond.. I didn't even read it all..I just couldn't stand to see the words BYE anymore.. it wasn't until you phoned me, we spoke.. you were upset, and I could sense some anger in your voice, you made me cry.. You don't want me to give my body to just anyone who asks for it, and that I am better than that. you told me you loved me.. and I didn't say it back. At this point it just felt like you were trying to hurt me. How is someone going to say goodbye and I love you at the same time? I am still sad and heart broken, but bitter now too.
I feel like such a lost soul.. I feel lost without you and I don't know why.. We had broken up before and I was alright.. I suppose this time is different because it is actually over. This is real.
It hurts, I have been trying to distract myself from all the pain and sadness I feel but nothing is making me feel better. I wonder if after having you tell me you loved me if you will try to contact me.. I will try not to hold my breath. I'm not expecting anything really.. I'm just not sure how I would react if you did.. I am now soo afraid of hearing from you.. but also afraid of not.. I wonder how long it will be until I can truly smile again.. I wonder how long it will be until I can think of you and not feel anything.. not feel sadness, not feel love, not feel given up on...not feel anything, just nothing. I really hope that day will come very soon. Your like a poison to me now, and all I want to do is rid my heart and mind of you. Because keeping you close and leaving our memories alive will only pain me and slow the process of me moving on. I don't love you, I don't like you, I don't hate you. I don't want you, nor do I need you.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
More... (http://calgary.en.craigslist.ca/w4m/2874836787.html)
We stayed quiet for a while but really it was impossible to stay angry and silent the whole drive.. especially since it would be our last moments together.. We become more talkative and you felt warmer and closer then you did 3 hours ago.. I was staring out the window again and noticed the car driving a bit off the road. I turned quickly to you and realized you had been staring at me when you turned your head back to tend to the road. I smiled with my mouth closed.. You put your hand on my leg and soon they slid closer to my hand, you held them and it was so lovely.. soon enough we reached the city, we ran back in to search for your wallet..It was on the counter in the kitchen.. while you grabbed your wallet along with some things from the fridge for the road I walked around the apartment one last time..that lingering sadness floated around in my chest again.. We left for the car and you said "Alright, lets try this again".. I laughed and we headed back on the road. The rest of the trip felt a bit like a blurr.. there were moments where we spoke, laughed, smiled and touched and moments were we didn't.. there were times you called me things like "sweetie", "hunny" or kissed my hand softly.. sometimes I would respond and sometimes I didn't, sometimes I would even become a bit angry or seem like I didn't want to be there anymore.. when I acted that way you would often pull your hand away annoyed that I wasn't being affectionate in return.. It was only because It made me upset to know that you were being nice now but as soon as we got back to Calgary that it wasn't going to change your mind about what would happen with us... I felt like a sick dog being driven to the vet to be put down. How we were or what we said on the drive there would change absolutely nothing. It was sad.. I was dying inside the closer we got. The snow and roads were beginning to over whelm you, you had a head ache.. again I tired to be kind and pleasant.. I didn't want to upset you anymore then you already were. Soon we reached the city.. you seemed in such a rush to drop me off I took all my things in first then came back to say good bye.. It felt so meaningless.. you hugged me, I said thank you for everything.. You kissed my cheek.. I walked away and you waved.. I layed down inside and tried to remember if you kissed me even once the whole trip.. I really couldn't remember. I don't remember if I cried that night.. I do remember feeling oddly releaved.. even though that sad heavy feeling still lingered in my chest.
I tired to think about all the things you asked me at the beginning of the trip...I still don't know the answers to them.. You sent me a very long text the next day letting me know you got back safe and that you were sorry if you said anything that hurt me yesterday along with other things.. you finished with saying that you don't know when or if you will ever see me again.. that really stung.. Just when I didn't think I could feel any worse.. I felt so broken.. I called up all my ex boyfriends.. they comforted me and made me feel wanted for a night when I knew that you didn't want me anymore.. I could tell they enjoyed my company, my smile, my sent, my laugh, my touch.. They wanted to hear from me again but I didn't return their calls because I had no intentions of falling in love or starting anything with old flames.. The only thing I could think about was you. I've tried and still am trying to forget you because that is the only way I will be okay right now. Friday night I let my best friend take me out for drinks, 9 drinks, 4 or 5 shooters. He kept telling everyone that we were out because I had just gotten out of a long relationship.. strangers pretended to be my friends, they told me everything I wanted to hear.. but it wasn't real so it didn't mean anything to me. That night I went home alone, I didn't want to see or hear from anyone but you. I was in an empty house all alone.. I imagined your voice speaking to me, I imaged us... and I cried.. I couldn't carry the heaviness in my chest any longer. I just wanted to reach out to you, I just wanted to hear your voice. I had made a promise to myself that I wouldn't call you or text you.. but I was at such a weak point. I called. I got your voice mail both times.. I felt so pathetic and knew I would regret what I just did in the morning.. I sat alone and felt sorry for myself, I just wanted someone to hold me, I wanted to feel ok. 5 minutes later my phone began to vibrate and your name showed on my screen.. I loved seeing it, I answered. I wish I could remember our conversation but sadly I don't.. I do remember crying to you, telling you that I just wanted to hear your voice and admitting all the regretful things I have done since being back.. The only things I remember is you calling me baby and telling me you miss me and that you have moved to a new apartment... everything after that is black and blank in my memory.. I woke up wondering if It was just a dream, but after checking my phone history I knew it wasn't.. I worried about the things I might have said. I texted you an apology.. you were shocked I didn't remember anything since you have heard me "much worse".. you then said that you felt sadder now than before I called you.. I was confused and asked why?.. you were upset that I had already slept with 3 men when I had only been home for 5 days.. I felt stupid for even mentioning other people..because I didn't even care about them and the reasons I did what I did was because I was desperate to feel something, anything other than what I was feeling before.. I didn't explain that to you when I had the chance. I was sober this time and put all my defenses up again, I simply apologized about ever phoning and ended saying that I would just leave you alone now. And all you said was ok bye... I held back my tears again, I felt completely stupid. I have been just torturing myself thinking about someone who now wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I collected myself and went off to clean and do laundry and just try to forget about everything for a minute.. later on I went to check my emails to find that you emailed me, I wasn't going to respond.. I didn't even read it all..I just couldn't stand to see the words BYE anymore.. it wasn't until you phoned me, we spoke.. you were upset, and I could sense some anger in your voice, you made me cry.. You don't want me to give my body to just anyone who asks for it, and that I am better than that. you told me you loved me.. and I didn't say it back. At this point it just felt like you were trying to hurt me. How is someone going to say goodbye and I love you at the same time? I am still sad and heart broken, but bitter now too.
I feel like such a lost soul.. I feel lost without you and I don't know why.. We had broken up before and I was alright.. I suppose this time is different because it is actually over. This is real.
It hurts, I have been trying to distract myself from all the pain and sadness I feel but nothing is making me feel better. I wonder if after having you tell me you loved me if you will try to contact me.. I will try not to hold my breath. I'm not expecting anything really.. I'm just not sure how I would react if you did.. I am now soo afraid of hearing from you.. but also afraid of not.. I wonder how long it will be until I can truly smile again.. I wonder how long it will be until I can think of you and not feel anything.. not feel sadness, not feel love, not feel given up on...not feel anything, just nothing. I really hope that day will come very soon. Your like a poison to me now, and all I want to do is rid my heart and mind of you. Because keeping you close and leaving our memories alive will only pain me and slow the process of me moving on. I don't love you, I don't like you, I don't hate you. I don't want you, nor do I need you.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
More... (http://calgary.en.craigslist.ca/w4m/2874836787.html)