news
07-10-2015, 09:55 PM
The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant -- but succinct -- wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week's great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women (http://start.westnet.ca/newstempch.php?article=news/hpw-tweets/) page for our past collections.
open letters are never the answer
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) July 6, 2015 (https://twitter.com/mallelis/status/617889795793006592)
Nothing will bring your spirit back to life like tacos, Channing Tatum's pelvic thrusts, and lemon potatoes, in that order.
— Sarah Conley (@styleit) July 6, 2015 (https://twitter.com/styleit/status/617856983023153152)
The bad thing about mimosas is that they have too much orange juice in them.
— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) July 4, 2015 (https://twitter.com/LauraBenanti/status/617427557047234560)
Follow your dreams! Unless you're over thirty. Then it's like, yikes.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) July 6, 2015 (https://twitter.com/BoobsRadley/status/618157024065368064)
now seems like a good time to ask what stocks are
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) July 8, 2015 (https://twitter.com/JessicaKRoy/status/618808634311622657)
I’m considering shattering my iPhone screen just so no one asks me to hold their baby.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) July 8, 2015 (https://twitter.com/SCbchbum/status/618808229896654848)
My tea said "be yourself" so naturally I chugged my tea and filled the mug with ice cream. #honestea (https://twitter.com/hashtag/honestea?src=hash) pic.twitter.com/WYetlblssB (http://t.co/WYetlblssB)
— Jess Dickerson (@Jayedilla) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/Jayedilla/status/618985787976196096)
Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/LizHackett/status/618940890036310017)
How can I expect my body to be bikini ready when it's not even get-out-of-bed ready???
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) July 8, 2015 (https://twitter.com/AkilahObviously/status/618824666174480384)
It feels really off-brand that I haven't already seen Magic Mike
— Michelle Markowitz (@michmarkowitz) July 4, 2015 (https://twitter.com/michmarkowitz/status/617155604734455812)
For someone who's supposedly a grown-up, I sure spend a lot of time wishing there was a middle finger emoji.
— Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) July 10, 2015 (https://twitter.com/LoveNLunchmeat/status/619347706641797120)
Porn music should play when you unwrap a candy bar.
— Jane (@jane_bot) July 8, 2015 (https://twitter.com/jane_bot/status/618615974804074499)
I feel like when life gives me lemons I just give them back because I hate holding stuff.
— Jamie Lee (@TheJamieLee) July 7, 2015 (https://twitter.com/TheJamieLee/status/618522004669358080)
Me: Siri, why am I alone?
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
— moody monday (@mdob11) July 8, 2015 (https://twitter.com/mdob11/status/618920196892327936)
My heart pounds at the illicit encounter. I glance over my shoulder- he's watching. I quickly set the cat down and look guiltily at the dog.
— doll butts (@findmydolls) July 10, 2015 (https://twitter.com/findmydolls/status/619568332036022272)
My hair could best be described as, "whatever Britney saw in the mirror that caused her to have a mental break and shave it all off."
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/mstluvstrinkets/status/619253822955720704)
Saw an old lady trip on her flip flop and take out a whole troop of boy scou...ok it was me.
— ssssss. (@semple42) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/semple42/status/619206588230971392)
[Headline] Armpit Hair Becomes Trendy for Women
Busy moms everywhere: "Yesssss"
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/Marlebean/status/619222348558938112)
Keep calm and- Wait. It took you how long to notice your wife's new haircut? Ok. Yeah. You should probably go ahead and panic.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/LurkAtHomeMom/status/619219881867767808)
What if the band was called Panic! At The Disco And Also The Restaurant And My Apartment And You Know What Pretty Much Everywhere
— Julia (@becauseimjewish) July 6, 2015 (https://twitter.com/becauseimjewish/status/618118310622838785)
shout out to all the randoms who friend me on Facebook it's a kind of bravery i'll never know
— Zeba Blay (@zblay) July 6, 2015 (https://twitter.com/zblay/status/618173048768851968)
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. (http://start.westnet.ca/newstempch.php?article=terms.html/) It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
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open letters are never the answer
— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) July 6, 2015 (https://twitter.com/mallelis/status/617889795793006592)
Nothing will bring your spirit back to life like tacos, Channing Tatum's pelvic thrusts, and lemon potatoes, in that order.
— Sarah Conley (@styleit) July 6, 2015 (https://twitter.com/styleit/status/617856983023153152)
The bad thing about mimosas is that they have too much orange juice in them.
— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) July 4, 2015 (https://twitter.com/LauraBenanti/status/617427557047234560)
Follow your dreams! Unless you're over thirty. Then it's like, yikes.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) July 6, 2015 (https://twitter.com/BoobsRadley/status/618157024065368064)
now seems like a good time to ask what stocks are
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) July 8, 2015 (https://twitter.com/JessicaKRoy/status/618808634311622657)
I’m considering shattering my iPhone screen just so no one asks me to hold their baby.
— Erica (@SCbchbum) July 8, 2015 (https://twitter.com/SCbchbum/status/618808229896654848)
My tea said "be yourself" so naturally I chugged my tea and filled the mug with ice cream. #honestea (https://twitter.com/hashtag/honestea?src=hash) pic.twitter.com/WYetlblssB (http://t.co/WYetlblssB)
— Jess Dickerson (@Jayedilla) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/Jayedilla/status/618985787976196096)
Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/LizHackett/status/618940890036310017)
How can I expect my body to be bikini ready when it's not even get-out-of-bed ready???
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) July 8, 2015 (https://twitter.com/AkilahObviously/status/618824666174480384)
It feels really off-brand that I haven't already seen Magic Mike
— Michelle Markowitz (@michmarkowitz) July 4, 2015 (https://twitter.com/michmarkowitz/status/617155604734455812)
For someone who's supposedly a grown-up, I sure spend a lot of time wishing there was a middle finger emoji.
— Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) July 10, 2015 (https://twitter.com/LoveNLunchmeat/status/619347706641797120)
Porn music should play when you unwrap a candy bar.
— Jane (@jane_bot) July 8, 2015 (https://twitter.com/jane_bot/status/618615974804074499)
I feel like when life gives me lemons I just give them back because I hate holding stuff.
— Jamie Lee (@TheJamieLee) July 7, 2015 (https://twitter.com/TheJamieLee/status/618522004669358080)
Me: Siri, why am I alone?
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
— moody monday (@mdob11) July 8, 2015 (https://twitter.com/mdob11/status/618920196892327936)
My heart pounds at the illicit encounter. I glance over my shoulder- he's watching. I quickly set the cat down and look guiltily at the dog.
— doll butts (@findmydolls) July 10, 2015 (https://twitter.com/findmydolls/status/619568332036022272)
My hair could best be described as, "whatever Britney saw in the mirror that caused her to have a mental break and shave it all off."
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/mstluvstrinkets/status/619253822955720704)
Saw an old lady trip on her flip flop and take out a whole troop of boy scou...ok it was me.
— ssssss. (@semple42) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/semple42/status/619206588230971392)
[Headline] Armpit Hair Becomes Trendy for Women
Busy moms everywhere: "Yesssss"
— Marl Beans (@Marlebean) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/Marlebean/status/619222348558938112)
Keep calm and- Wait. It took you how long to notice your wife's new haircut? Ok. Yeah. You should probably go ahead and panic.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 9, 2015 (https://twitter.com/LurkAtHomeMom/status/619219881867767808)
What if the band was called Panic! At The Disco And Also The Restaurant And My Apartment And You Know What Pretty Much Everywhere
— Julia (@becauseimjewish) July 6, 2015 (https://twitter.com/becauseimjewish/status/618118310622838785)
shout out to all the randoms who friend me on Facebook it's a kind of bravery i'll never know
— Zeba Blay (@zblay) July 6, 2015 (https://twitter.com/zblay/status/618173048768851968)
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. (http://start.westnet.ca/newstempch.php?article=terms.html/) It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194576940/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4805b184/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194576940/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4805b184/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm)
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