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View Full Version : Separating Me from Them


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07-24-2015, 09:02 PM
I carried them in my body for 40 weeks, each. *I grew them, cell-by-cell, limb-by-limb, inch-by-inch. My body created them from two half-cells into tiny but whole people.

http://www.beyondmommying.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/heart-bumb-h-e1437742132550.png (http://www.beyondmommying.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/heart-bumb-h-e1437742132550.png)

I birthed them, laboring for 1/2 a day or more, to bring them into our world. *I felt each surge of their impending entrance. *I breathed through each moment, ready to welcome them, hold them, love them with everything I had. *I screamed as their bodies exited mine then smiled through tear-filled eyes*when I saw their beautiful faces.

I fed them from my breast for 18 months, 22 months, 27 months. *I gave up other things in order to give them every bit of me. *They sucked the life out of me, one content guzzle at a time. *They grew and thrived and became their own independent, free-willed people.

But they are still a part of me. *They are still my life, my world, my everything. *And as they grow I have trouble separating me from them.

I feel their pain and know their sadness. *I see the ugly of the world that affects their lives, even when they don't. *I am their advocate, their protector, their mommy. *I fight for them even when they don't know there's a battle.

I relish in their innocence and am joyful they don't see the things I do. *I am thankful they don't always see things the way I do, feel things the way I do, understand things the way I do. *I feel pain*for them that they don't even know about.

http://www.beyondmommying.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/s-butterfly-yard-e1437742096432.png (http://www.beyondmommying.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/s-butterfly-yard-e1437742096432.png)

But what if someday, they figure it out? *What if after hearing the stories and seeing the pictures of their lives, their moments, they see all the battles I fought but lost?

If they ask why, I will tell them I did my best, tried my hardest, fought with everything I had. *But what if they don't believe me? *What if I can't convince them because I don't believe it myself?

Life is not fair, and I wouldn't want it to be. *Our world is beautiful in its imperfections and I want my children to learn to see it. *But sometimes there are injustices, sometimes there are things that are out of our control, out of my control. *Things that I can't change for them no matter how desperately I may want to.

I try to be the logical thinker, to take the emotion out of it. *I try to see things through my adult, understanding eyes but I can't help but feel things as they do in their innocent hearts. *They are a part of me and I feel so deeply with them and sometimes*for them.

They will never know all the struggles I've had over them, with them, for them. *And it's probably better that way but it doesn't make my mommy life easier, it doesn't put my heart at ease.

They are my everything and I will never stop fighting for them as they make their way through this big, wonderful world, even if I do it silently in the shadows.

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