news
03-15-2016, 08:33 PM
Today, I was caught on my phone as I walked my daughter in front of our house.
It was a beautiful day today in Pennsylvania -- warm and 70. After playing in the yard for two hours with my kids (phone free), I packed my daughter up for a stroll while my husband and son worked on a project in the garage.
My daughter was singing and even though I was singing along, I was on my phone. I had (and have) a bunch of emails waiting in my inbox and I was responding with one hand as I walked. A friend texted me this morning and I wanted to reply. In my mind, I was multi-tasking, and even though I wasn't talking to my daughter, we were singing.
But without my knowledge, my daughter waved to a mom walking a new baby. When I heard the new mom say "hello," I felt so embarrassed because it looked like I wasn't paying attention to my daughter. Guilt washed over me because I hadn't greeted her, and I quickly said my apologies. I was right near my house and my husband jokingly yelled "put away your phone!" It was a just a joke but the weight of the words sat with me.
And so, I judged myself even though he told me over and over again that he was just joking. My inner critic won for a moment and so the debate in my mind began.
My daughter was secured in her stroller. She was on a walk and she was happy. She's an active toddler, and I was making use of some time with her strapped in one, safe place. And, for that matter, she didn't even know I was on the phone.
Of course, sometimes, my kids do see me on the phone or on the computer. I work on it in many capacities as a teacher, a writer, and an editor. Since I work part-time out of the home and part-time in the home, I'm with them a lot during the day and often times, I have pending deadlines or necessary emails. I mostly attend to my at-home work when they're asleep; however, there are times I need to multi-task and they do see me do it. And sometimes, they wait a minute or so for me to finish something. It's my hope that they're learning patience, independence, and self-entertainment in the moments I not only finish an email, but also when I cook dinner, read the paper, or do whatever else needs to be done.
And, of course, there are also so many times -- many, many, and mostly -- when they have my undivided attention. I really do try to model responsible technology use, and I mostly think I do a good job.
I judged myself in the moment and felt guilty and embarrassed because that's the message we sometimes receive: society says that moms must be tuned into their children at all times. While I'm an attentive mom, I'm not totally tuned in always. How could I be? After some thought and the silencing of the inner critic, I just don't see today as a failure for using my phone on the walk.
While some people may have only seen a mom tuned out on her phone, they don't know I was up at five this morning with this daughter of mine. We snuggled and read books until the rest of the family was up. They don't see the mom who holds the same little girl each day until she falls asleep for a nap or bedtime, singing quietly to her as she dozes. They don't see the mom who walked to pick up her son at school earlier today and listened, nonstop, to him talk about his day. They don't know that my text was to a friend who reached out to me about PPD. There are so many things that weren't seen in this photo. I'm mostly an attentive mom and friend and when I'm not and multitasking, I'm sick of feeling guilty for it.
If you read my other work, you know I aim to see the beauty in the everyday. I try to savor every moment with these kids (even the frustrating ones!). And generally, I know when to put my phone away. I rarely use it on my walks because I really do like to engage with my kids and neighbors and watch the weather as it passes us by.
But to put it plainly, simply, and not poetically: s#*t needs to get done. Work needs to happen. I also use my phone for a lifeline to my friends when I'm overwhelmed or when the kids, whom I really do adore, drive me crazy, which is only natural. And that's not a new concept: my mom used to talk on the phone to her friends, too. Parenting is glorious and hard, all at once. All. Day. Long. I use it for news. I use it for work. I'm multi-tasking and juggling, as I know you are.
And I hope my kids remember that they mostly had my attention but I also hope they remember that their mother was not only a devoted mother and wife, but that she was a hard worker who chased her dreams. She was a loyal friend. And so what if I sometimes used my phone to do it? And so what if I needed a virtual time out every so often?
Moms (and dads), we need to be kinder to ourselves and one another. We're all just doing what we can to do the best for our kids -- in whatever ways we need to. And today, I needed to use my phone and when I did, I missed an opportunity. It happens. It's life.
But there's another part of this. I walked away from that new mom, embarrassed. But then my daughter asked to see her baby. So I sheepishly caught up to her and we chatted. And it was great.
There is room for us all and for all the ways.
Be kind to yourself today and always. Be kind when you see someone on her phone. I'm sure she's not as tuned out as you think. In fact, she may be SO tuned in. There are always so many reasons we might not be aware of. And it just isn't all or nothing. Life is shades of gray, just like this photo.
Here's just to doing the best we can. I'm really trying and I know you are, too.
http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2016-03-12-1457808297-4104046-karaonphone-thumb.jpg (http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2016-03-12-1457808297-4104046-karaonphone.jpg)
Kara believes that mothering is a way to find identity and writes about the divide that is mothering our children, our spirits, and the sacred on her blog, Mothering the Divide (http://www.motheringthedivide.com). Find Kara on Facebook. (http://www.facebook.com/motheringthedivide) -- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. (http://start.westnet.ca/newstempch.php?article=terms.html/) It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/1/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/1/rc.htm)
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/2/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/2/rc.htm)
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/3/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/3/rc.htm)
http://da.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/a2.img (http://da.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/a2.htm)
http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/ach.img (http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/ach.htm)http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/a2t.imghttp://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/a2t2.imghttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677045/s/4e492941/sc/28/mf.gif
More... (http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677045/s/4e492941/sc/28/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Ckara0Elawler0Ci0Egot0Ecaught 0Eon0Emy0Ephone0Ib0I9446930A0Bhtml/story01.htm)
It was a beautiful day today in Pennsylvania -- warm and 70. After playing in the yard for two hours with my kids (phone free), I packed my daughter up for a stroll while my husband and son worked on a project in the garage.
My daughter was singing and even though I was singing along, I was on my phone. I had (and have) a bunch of emails waiting in my inbox and I was responding with one hand as I walked. A friend texted me this morning and I wanted to reply. In my mind, I was multi-tasking, and even though I wasn't talking to my daughter, we were singing.
But without my knowledge, my daughter waved to a mom walking a new baby. When I heard the new mom say "hello," I felt so embarrassed because it looked like I wasn't paying attention to my daughter. Guilt washed over me because I hadn't greeted her, and I quickly said my apologies. I was right near my house and my husband jokingly yelled "put away your phone!" It was a just a joke but the weight of the words sat with me.
And so, I judged myself even though he told me over and over again that he was just joking. My inner critic won for a moment and so the debate in my mind began.
My daughter was secured in her stroller. She was on a walk and she was happy. She's an active toddler, and I was making use of some time with her strapped in one, safe place. And, for that matter, she didn't even know I was on the phone.
Of course, sometimes, my kids do see me on the phone or on the computer. I work on it in many capacities as a teacher, a writer, and an editor. Since I work part-time out of the home and part-time in the home, I'm with them a lot during the day and often times, I have pending deadlines or necessary emails. I mostly attend to my at-home work when they're asleep; however, there are times I need to multi-task and they do see me do it. And sometimes, they wait a minute or so for me to finish something. It's my hope that they're learning patience, independence, and self-entertainment in the moments I not only finish an email, but also when I cook dinner, read the paper, or do whatever else needs to be done.
And, of course, there are also so many times -- many, many, and mostly -- when they have my undivided attention. I really do try to model responsible technology use, and I mostly think I do a good job.
I judged myself in the moment and felt guilty and embarrassed because that's the message we sometimes receive: society says that moms must be tuned into their children at all times. While I'm an attentive mom, I'm not totally tuned in always. How could I be? After some thought and the silencing of the inner critic, I just don't see today as a failure for using my phone on the walk.
While some people may have only seen a mom tuned out on her phone, they don't know I was up at five this morning with this daughter of mine. We snuggled and read books until the rest of the family was up. They don't see the mom who holds the same little girl each day until she falls asleep for a nap or bedtime, singing quietly to her as she dozes. They don't see the mom who walked to pick up her son at school earlier today and listened, nonstop, to him talk about his day. They don't know that my text was to a friend who reached out to me about PPD. There are so many things that weren't seen in this photo. I'm mostly an attentive mom and friend and when I'm not and multitasking, I'm sick of feeling guilty for it.
If you read my other work, you know I aim to see the beauty in the everyday. I try to savor every moment with these kids (even the frustrating ones!). And generally, I know when to put my phone away. I rarely use it on my walks because I really do like to engage with my kids and neighbors and watch the weather as it passes us by.
But to put it plainly, simply, and not poetically: s#*t needs to get done. Work needs to happen. I also use my phone for a lifeline to my friends when I'm overwhelmed or when the kids, whom I really do adore, drive me crazy, which is only natural. And that's not a new concept: my mom used to talk on the phone to her friends, too. Parenting is glorious and hard, all at once. All. Day. Long. I use it for news. I use it for work. I'm multi-tasking and juggling, as I know you are.
And I hope my kids remember that they mostly had my attention but I also hope they remember that their mother was not only a devoted mother and wife, but that she was a hard worker who chased her dreams. She was a loyal friend. And so what if I sometimes used my phone to do it? And so what if I needed a virtual time out every so often?
Moms (and dads), we need to be kinder to ourselves and one another. We're all just doing what we can to do the best for our kids -- in whatever ways we need to. And today, I needed to use my phone and when I did, I missed an opportunity. It happens. It's life.
But there's another part of this. I walked away from that new mom, embarrassed. But then my daughter asked to see her baby. So I sheepishly caught up to her and we chatted. And it was great.
There is room for us all and for all the ways.
Be kind to yourself today and always. Be kind when you see someone on her phone. I'm sure she's not as tuned out as you think. In fact, she may be SO tuned in. There are always so many reasons we might not be aware of. And it just isn't all or nothing. Life is shades of gray, just like this photo.
Here's just to doing the best we can. I'm really trying and I know you are, too.
http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2016-03-12-1457808297-4104046-karaonphone-thumb.jpg (http://images.huffingtonpost.com/2016-03-12-1457808297-4104046-karaonphone.jpg)
Kara believes that mothering is a way to find identity and writes about the divide that is mothering our children, our spirits, and the sacred on her blog, Mothering the Divide (http://www.motheringthedivide.com). Find Kara on Facebook. (http://www.facebook.com/motheringthedivide) -- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. (http://start.westnet.ca/newstempch.php?article=terms.html/) It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/1/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/1/rc.htm)
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/2/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/2/rc.htm)
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/3/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/rc/3/rc.htm)
http://da.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/a2.img (http://da.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/a2.htm)
http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/ach.img (http://adchoice.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/ach.htm)http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/a2t.imghttp://pi2.feedsportal.com/r/247394885366/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/4e492941/sc/28/a2t2.imghttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677045/s/4e492941/sc/28/mf.gif
More... (http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677045/s/4e492941/sc/28/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0Ckara0Elawler0Ci0Egot0Ecaught 0Eon0Emy0Ephone0Ib0I9446930A0Bhtml/story01.htm)