news
07-02-2015, 02:51 PM
Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious (http://start.westnet.ca/newstempch.php?article=news/best-parenting-tweets) 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter (https://twitter.com/HuffPostParents) for more!
It's when my son yells at me that "the blueberries go IN the waffles, not ON the waffles!" that I realize he's not paying me nearly enough.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 2, 2015 (https://twitter.com/DadandBuried/status/616580913191895040)
Every time we drive by her school my 8yo shouts, "Hi school! I miss you!"
You probably can't hear her over me screaming, "I MISS YOU MORE."
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/LetMeStart/status/615505034776813569)
I'm gonna get eyes tattooed on my eyelids so I can sleep all day and my kids will think I'm still watching them.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/OneFunnyMummy/status/616018532707348480)
93% of a parent's time at the pool is spent "watching this" and adjusting goggles.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/simoncholland/status/616344654733144064)
If you're done with it, throw it on the floor.
- toddlers
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/byclintedwards/status/616322334698307588)
"Does your family argue?"
-Yes
"How do you feel about sand, sun and saltwater?"
-I hate them.
"Sucker! Welcome to your beach vacation."
— Minivan (@my_minivan_life) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/my_minivan_life/status/616289975370448897)
A well-placed kick between the legs revealed what proved to be the last clue in the mystery of whether or not Dad is a superhero.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/PuzzlingPostDad/status/615475920737017856)
My house is just a minefield of Hot Wheels and Barbie shoes.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/maughammom/status/615523252031647744)
I think I may have just witnessed a miracle. My son unloaded the dishwasher without being asked.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/OneFunnyMotha/status/616239114095054848)
All my kids do is fight with each other and eat. It's like my Facebook feed in 3D.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/BPMbadassmama/status/615607780993437696)
3yo: "Daddy?"
Me: "Yes, Bear?"
3yo: "Your BUTT is SO BIG it takes up the whole stairway. Look! I can't even walk around, it's so big!"
Oh.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/ReasonsMySonCry/status/615569633156984832)
Hell hath no fury like a woman who thinks her phone is charging only to find one of her kids unplugged it.
Have kids. It's fun.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/sarcasticmommy4/status/615893652179587074)
Hey, that looks unsteady, uneven, and/or dangerous; I think I'll walk on it.
- my 2 y/o daughter every waking second of her life
— Terry (@terrycjt) June 28, 2015 (https://twitter.com/terrycjt/status/615208832139038720)
Grocery shopping with small children should be used as a form of torture to make hardened criminals crack.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/buriedwithkids/status/616315391623696384)
5-year-old: She bit me!
3-year-old: I had to! I'm a shark!
Me:
Kids:
Me: Sorry, guys. I don't intervene in the food chain.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/615921239295705088)
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling "The laptop's not a touch screen," at my kids.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/PaigeKellerman/status/616288514951413760)
Me (eating toddler's yarn spaghetti): YUM! Your restaurant is fabulous - I'm going to tell all my friends!
Toddler: WHAT friends?
Me: ...
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/RobynHTV/status/615515267255431168)
I won't let my kids turn on the oven, but I will give them a sparkler and say, "Here, go wave this fire stick above your head for a while."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/Cheeseboy22/status/615915403433283584)
Children: because who wants a hot meal anyway?
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/willgoldstein/status/616025033710833664)
The time between a child being old enough to stay up late for the fireworks and being too old for lame family shit must be like 5 minutes.
— Claire Zulkey (@Zulkey) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/Zulkey/status/615892071807713286)
@media only screen and (min-width : 500px) {.ethanmobile { display: none; }}
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/FBLOGO_0.png (https://www.facebook.com/HuffPostParents) Like Us On Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/HuffPostParents) |
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/TWITTERBIRD.png (https://twitter.com/HuffPostParents) Follow Us On Twitter (https://twitter.com/HuffPostParents) |
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/email-letter-icon.jpg Contact HuffPost Parents (parents@huffingtonpost.com?subject=footer)
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. (http://start.westnet.ca/newstempch.php?article=terms.html/) It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm)
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm)
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm)
http://da.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/a2.img (http://da.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/a2.htm)http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/a2t.imghttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677045/s/47c7845b/sc/14/mf.gif
More... (http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677045/s/47c7845b/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0C20A150C0A70C0A20Cfunniest0Ep arenting0Etweets0In0I770A80A840Bhtml/story01.htm)
It's when my son yells at me that "the blueberries go IN the waffles, not ON the waffles!" that I realize he's not paying me nearly enough.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 2, 2015 (https://twitter.com/DadandBuried/status/616580913191895040)
Every time we drive by her school my 8yo shouts, "Hi school! I miss you!"
You probably can't hear her over me screaming, "I MISS YOU MORE."
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/LetMeStart/status/615505034776813569)
I'm gonna get eyes tattooed on my eyelids so I can sleep all day and my kids will think I'm still watching them.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/OneFunnyMummy/status/616018532707348480)
93% of a parent's time at the pool is spent "watching this" and adjusting goggles.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/simoncholland/status/616344654733144064)
If you're done with it, throw it on the floor.
- toddlers
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/byclintedwards/status/616322334698307588)
"Does your family argue?"
-Yes
"How do you feel about sand, sun and saltwater?"
-I hate them.
"Sucker! Welcome to your beach vacation."
— Minivan (@my_minivan_life) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/my_minivan_life/status/616289975370448897)
A well-placed kick between the legs revealed what proved to be the last clue in the mystery of whether or not Dad is a superhero.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/PuzzlingPostDad/status/615475920737017856)
My house is just a minefield of Hot Wheels and Barbie shoes.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/maughammom/status/615523252031647744)
I think I may have just witnessed a miracle. My son unloaded the dishwasher without being asked.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/OneFunnyMotha/status/616239114095054848)
All my kids do is fight with each other and eat. It's like my Facebook feed in 3D.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/BPMbadassmama/status/615607780993437696)
3yo: "Daddy?"
Me: "Yes, Bear?"
3yo: "Your BUTT is SO BIG it takes up the whole stairway. Look! I can't even walk around, it's so big!"
Oh.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/ReasonsMySonCry/status/615569633156984832)
Hell hath no fury like a woman who thinks her phone is charging only to find one of her kids unplugged it.
Have kids. It's fun.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/sarcasticmommy4/status/615893652179587074)
Hey, that looks unsteady, uneven, and/or dangerous; I think I'll walk on it.
- my 2 y/o daughter every waking second of her life
— Terry (@terrycjt) June 28, 2015 (https://twitter.com/terrycjt/status/615208832139038720)
Grocery shopping with small children should be used as a form of torture to make hardened criminals crack.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/buriedwithkids/status/616315391623696384)
5-year-old: She bit me!
3-year-old: I had to! I'm a shark!
Me:
Kids:
Me: Sorry, guys. I don't intervene in the food chain.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/XplodingUnicorn/status/615921239295705088)
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling "The laptop's not a touch screen," at my kids.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 1, 2015 (https://twitter.com/PaigeKellerman/status/616288514951413760)
Me (eating toddler's yarn spaghetti): YUM! Your restaurant is fabulous - I'm going to tell all my friends!
Toddler: WHAT friends?
Me: ...
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) June 29, 2015 (https://twitter.com/RobynHTV/status/615515267255431168)
I won't let my kids turn on the oven, but I will give them a sparkler and say, "Here, go wave this fire stick above your head for a while."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/Cheeseboy22/status/615915403433283584)
Children: because who wants a hot meal anyway?
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/willgoldstein/status/616025033710833664)
The time between a child being old enough to stay up late for the fireworks and being too old for lame family shit must be like 5 minutes.
— Claire Zulkey (@Zulkey) June 30, 2015 (https://twitter.com/Zulkey/status/615892071807713286)
@media only screen and (min-width : 500px) {.ethanmobile { display: none; }}
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/FBLOGO_0.png (https://www.facebook.com/HuffPostParents) Like Us On Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/HuffPostParents) |
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/TWITTERBIRD.png (https://twitter.com/HuffPostParents) Follow Us On Twitter (https://twitter.com/HuffPostParents) |
http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/email-letter-icon.jpg Contact HuffPost Parents (parents@huffingtonpost.com?subject=footer)
-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. (http://start.westnet.ca/newstempch.php?article=terms.html/) It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/1/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/1/rc.htm)
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/2/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/2/rc.htm)
http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/3/rc.img (http://rc.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/rc/3/rc.htm)
http://da.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/a2.img (http://da.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/a2.htm)http://pi.feedsportal.com/r/233194117522/u/0/f/677045/c/35496/s/47c7845b/sc/14/a2t.imghttp://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677045/s/47c7845b/sc/14/mf.gif
More... (http://feeds.huffingtonpost.com/c/35496/f/677045/s/47c7845b/sc/14/l/0L0Shuffingtonpost0N0C20A150C0A70C0A20Cfunniest0Ep arenting0Etweets0In0I770A80A840Bhtml/story01.htm)