Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

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Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

It's when my son yells at me that "the blueberries go IN the waffles, not ON the waffles!" that I realize he's not paying me nearly enough.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 2, 2015

Every time we drive by her school my 8yo shouts, "Hi school! I miss you!"

You probably can't hear her over me screaming, "I MISS YOU MORE."
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2015

I'm gonna get eyes tattooed on my eyelids so I can sleep all day and my kids will think I'm still watching them.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) June 30, 2015

93% of a parent's time at the pool is spent "watching this" and adjusting goggles.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2015

If you're done with it, throw it on the floor.
- toddlers
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) July 1, 2015

"Does your family argue?"

-Yes

"How do you feel about sand, sun and saltwater?"

-I hate them.

"Sucker! Welcome to your beach vacation."
— Minivan (@my_minivan_life) July 1, 2015

A well-placed kick between the legs revealed what proved to be the last clue in the mystery of whether or not Dad is a superhero.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) June 29, 2015

My house is just a minefield of Hot Wheels and Barbie shoes.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 29, 2015

I think I may have just witnessed a miracle. My son unloaded the dishwasher without being asked.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 1, 2015

All my kids do is fight with each other and eat. It's like my Facebook feed in 3D.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 29, 2015

3yo: "Daddy?"
Me: "Yes, Bear?"
3yo: "Your BUTT is SO BIG it takes up the whole stairway. Look! I can't even walk around, it's so big!"

Oh.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 29, 2015

Hell hath no fury like a woman who thinks her phone is charging only to find one of her kids unplugged it.

Have kids. It's fun.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 30, 2015

Hey, that looks unsteady, uneven, and/or dangerous; I think I'll walk on it.

- my 2 y/o daughter every waking second of her life
— Terry (@terrycjt) June 28, 2015

Grocery shopping with small children should be used as a form of torture to make hardened criminals crack.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 1, 2015

5-year-old: She bit me!

3-year-old: I had to! I'm a shark!

Me:

Kids:

Me: Sorry, guys. I don't intervene in the food chain.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2015

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling "The laptop's not a touch screen," at my kids.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 1, 2015

Me (eating toddler's yarn spaghetti): YUM! Your restaurant is fabulous - I'm going to tell all my friends!

Toddler: WHAT friends?

Me: ...
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) June 29, 2015

I won't let my kids turn on the oven, but I will give them a sparkler and say, "Here, go wave this fire stick above your head for a while."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 30, 2015

Children: because who wants a hot meal anyway?
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) June 30, 2015

The time between a child being old enough to stay up late for the fireworks and being too old for lame family shit must be like 5 minutes.
— Claire Zulkey (@Zulkey) June 30, 2015

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