Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
 

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

It's when my son yells at me that "the blueberries go IN the waffles, not ON the waffles!" that I realize he's not paying me nearly enough.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 2, 2015

Every time we drive by her school my 8yo shouts, "Hi school! I miss you!"

You probably can't hear her over me screaming, "I MISS YOU MORE."
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) June 29, 2015

I'm gonna get eyes tattooed on my eyelids so I can sleep all day and my kids will think I'm still watching them.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) June 30, 2015

93% of a parent's time at the pool is spent "watching this" and adjusting goggles.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 1, 2015

If you're done with it, throw it on the floor.
- toddlers
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) July 1, 2015

"Does your family argue?"

-Yes

"How do you feel about sand, sun and saltwater?"

-I hate them.

"Sucker! Welcome to your beach vacation."
— Minivan (@my_minivan_life) July 1, 2015

A well-placed kick between the legs revealed what proved to be the last clue in the mystery of whether or not Dad is a superhero.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) June 29, 2015

My house is just a minefield of Hot Wheels and Barbie shoes.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 29, 2015

I think I may have just witnessed a miracle. My son unloaded the dishwasher without being asked.
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) July 1, 2015

All my kids do is fight with each other and eat. It's like my Facebook feed in 3D.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 29, 2015

3yo: "Daddy?"
Me: "Yes, Bear?"
3yo: "Your BUTT is SO BIG it takes up the whole stairway. Look! I can't even walk around, it's so big!"

Oh.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 29, 2015

Hell hath no fury like a woman who thinks her phone is charging only to find one of her kids unplugged it.

Have kids. It's fun.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 30, 2015

Hey, that looks unsteady, uneven, and/or dangerous; I think I'll walk on it.

- my 2 y/o daughter every waking second of her life
— Terry (@terrycjt) June 28, 2015

Grocery shopping with small children should be used as a form of torture to make hardened criminals crack.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 1, 2015

5-year-old: She bit me!

3-year-old: I had to! I'm a shark!

Me:

Kids:

Me: Sorry, guys. I don't intervene in the food chain.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 30, 2015

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling "The laptop's not a touch screen," at my kids.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 1, 2015

Me (eating toddler's yarn spaghetti): YUM! Your restaurant is fabulous - I'm going to tell all my friends!

Toddler: WHAT friends?

Me: ...
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) June 29, 2015

I won't let my kids turn on the oven, but I will give them a sparkler and say, "Here, go wave this fire stick above your head for a while."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 30, 2015

Children: because who wants a hot meal anyway?
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) June 30, 2015

The time between a child being old enough to stay up late for the fireworks and being too old for lame family shit must be like 5 minutes.
— Claire Zulkey (@Zulkey) June 30, 2015

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