Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week
 

Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

My kids go back to school in a week so naturally they both just figured out how to sleep in past 6:30.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 24, 2015

5yo: I want a bagel Me: The toaster's broken 5yo: I want a bagel! Me: Fine *30 min fixing toaster *Makes bagel 5yo: I didn't want it toasted
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) July 22, 2015

My favorite thing about summer break is reminding my kids every morning how many days until school starts.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 22, 2015

So glad my kid is here to remind me 537 times that today's her birthday.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) July 23, 2015

Remember, the only way to not screw up your kid is to maintain eye contact with them for their entire life without once blinking.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) July 23, 2015

Motherhood: Because it's not for lack of trying that I never leave the house.
— Next Life, NO Kids (@NextLifeNOKids) July 23, 2015

My kid is mopping the floor while I lay in bed. Parenting Level: Wizard
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 21, 2015

My new scent, "mom's purse," is a heady mix of peppermint gum, hand lotion samples, cherry lipgloss, smudged to-do list ink & peanut butter.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) July 22, 2015

3-year-old: *points to my salad* Why are you eating that? Me: It's healthy. 3-year-old: Does healthy mean sad?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2015

17: There's someone at this pool who looks exactly like Grannie. *giggles Me: Really? Who? 17: *giggles Me: *realizes he's looking at me...
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) July 22, 2015

Parenthood is a state of mind. And a sore neck.
— Morgan Shanahan (@the818) July 22, 2015

My entire Summer vacation has consisted of making snacks for my children, and making more snacks for my children.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) July 20, 2015

Nothing jolts you into action faster than hearing your 6 year old yell: "Ewww, the baby ate my poop!" #Parenthood
— Simran Baidwan (@sbaidwan) July 23, 2015

8yo: Who's your favorite villain? 10yo: Mom. 8yo & 10yo: (laughs) Me: I can hear you, ya know. 10yo: See? 8yo & 10yo: (laughs forever)
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 21, 2015

80% of taking your kids on vacation is keeping them out of gift shops.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 23, 2015

Maybe next time don't pee on the floor and other fun things you get to say as a parent.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 22, 2015

I love when my kids say, "I made you this so you will remember me." Like I could ever forget. I still have the stains on all my clothes.
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) July 23, 2015

I hope I never hit that dad phase where I think it's a good idea to buy a minivan.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) July 24, 2015

Just got home and there is no one here, which is pretty much like winning the lottery when you're married with three kids.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) July 16, 2015

20 year old intern: I would love to be a contestant on Hell's Kitchen. Me: Make dinner for my kids & you'll have a very similar experience.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) July 21, 2015

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