Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

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Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

My kids go back to school in a week so naturally they both just figured out how to sleep in past 6:30.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 24, 2015

5yo: I want a bagel Me: The toaster's broken 5yo: I want a bagel! Me: Fine *30 min fixing toaster *Makes bagel 5yo: I didn't want it toasted
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) July 22, 2015

My favorite thing about summer break is reminding my kids every morning how many days until school starts.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 22, 2015

So glad my kid is here to remind me 537 times that today's her birthday.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) July 23, 2015

Remember, the only way to not screw up your kid is to maintain eye contact with them for their entire life without once blinking.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) July 23, 2015

Motherhood: Because it's not for lack of trying that I never leave the house.
— Next Life, NO Kids (@NextLifeNOKids) July 23, 2015

My kid is mopping the floor while I lay in bed. Parenting Level: Wizard
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 21, 2015

My new scent, "mom's purse," is a heady mix of peppermint gum, hand lotion samples, cherry lipgloss, smudged to-do list ink & peanut butter.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) July 22, 2015

3-year-old: *points to my salad* Why are you eating that? Me: It's healthy. 3-year-old: Does healthy mean sad?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 21, 2015

17: There's someone at this pool who looks exactly like Grannie. *giggles Me: Really? Who? 17: *giggles Me: *realizes he's looking at me...
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) July 22, 2015

Parenthood is a state of mind. And a sore neck.
— Morgan Shanahan (@the818) July 22, 2015

My entire Summer vacation has consisted of making snacks for my children, and making more snacks for my children.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) July 20, 2015

Nothing jolts you into action faster than hearing your 6 year old yell: "Ewww, the baby ate my poop!" #Parenthood
— Simran Baidwan (@sbaidwan) July 23, 2015

8yo: Who's your favorite villain? 10yo: Mom. 8yo & 10yo: (laughs) Me: I can hear you, ya know. 10yo: See? 8yo & 10yo: (laughs forever)
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 21, 2015

80% of taking your kids on vacation is keeping them out of gift shops.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 23, 2015

Maybe next time don't pee on the floor and other fun things you get to say as a parent.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 22, 2015

I love when my kids say, "I made you this so you will remember me." Like I could ever forget. I still have the stains on all my clothes.
— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) July 23, 2015

I hope I never hit that dad phase where I think it's a good idea to buy a minivan.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) July 24, 2015

Just got home and there is no one here, which is pretty much like winning the lottery when you're married with three kids.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) July 16, 2015

20 year old intern: I would love to be a contestant on Hell's Kitchen. Me: Make dinner for my kids & you'll have a very similar experience.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) July 21, 2015

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