'I Want a Third Child, But I Would Be Risking My Health' - Calgaryn.com

news · #1 12-09-2015, 04:42 PM

Reader Three's Company writes,

I know you have three kids, so I am writing for some insight from you! I am a mom to a beautiful 3.5 year old daughter, and a 3 week old newborn son. I consider myself very blessed to have two gorgeous healthy children, but growing up I had always thought that I would have LOTS of children. When my husband and I got together, he seemed to like the thought of having three and it was a number I was comfortable with. My pregnancy with both kids was easy, and so I thought naturally I was meant to have three kids!

My second child's birth is what has sent me into a tailspin of confusion. All was well, I went into labor naturally and birthed naturally. My son had a true knot in his cord, with the cord gently wrapped around his neck. My placenta decided not to detach, and two hours later I was whisked away from my family and newborn son to the operating room to have a D&C to remove the placenta. I started to hemorrhage, and after receiving the spinal I recall watching my heartbeat on the monitor to reassure myself I was still alive. That I was going to see my baby, my husband, my mom and my daughter again.

It took hours for them to get the bleeding to stop. I felt like my body had failed me, and recall a nurse telling me that since this has happened once it will likely happen again. On top of all this, I also suffered a spinal headache (a side effect of the spinal I received for surgery) which left me bed ridden for a week. My husband, the saint that he is, would bring me food and drinks in bed because I could not lift my head.

I am feeling better now, except for the fact that I feel the choice to have a third child has been taken away from me. I have been reassured I could have another baby if I decided, but I feel* as though that is tempting fate -- I have a husband and two beautiful children that need me, is it worth risking my health and my life for another?

But why is it, when I imagine my children as adults that I see three children celebrating Christmas with me? That despite everything I still long for the possibility of a third child? And how can I make peace with myself for only having two?

Dear TC,

I'm sorry for your traumatic birth experience! *And it was only three weeks ago, which has to be*impacting your current perspective. *That and the fact that you have a preschooler and a newborn! *The birth of the second child, as I write about here, is usually very stressful on parents.

This means that you are not in your most optimistic state of mind right now. Don't make any significant life decisions before your second child hits a year of age. *Right now, you are hormonal. *You may be at risk for post-partum depression since the*birth was so difficult and you had a near-death experience. There is no reason to assume that in a couple of years (or less if you're like me), you won't decide to get pregnant again, since you have been reassured that you can have another baby if you want to.

My*third baby had his cord wrapped around his neck too, and the two previous*babies didn't. *I don't think there is any reason to assume that your third baby would be at risk of the same thing happening. You are likely in a very emotional state of mind right now and thinking only of worst-case scenarios. *Whenever people hold tiny babies, it makes them think about the fragility of life and how awful it would be for a parent to die, since the baby is so helpless. *But most parents don't die while their kids are small, and life is full of risks. *If the only reason you wouldn't have a third is a fear that you might have another bad birth experience, even though the doctor says there's no reason to assume that, then you're allowing anxiety to dictate your life path. *This is a constricting way to live, and most people regret things they didn't do more than things that they did do.

If you can't have a third or decide not to when you're in a more stable emotional state, then you can work on acceptance, as I discuss here with a woman that wishes she had a girl in addition to her boys. *Or you can foster or adopt. *But don't make any hasty decisions based on your current frame of mind. *(Read: do NOT have your husband get a vasectomy right now.)

Good luck, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Or Borrow One Of Mine For a Week, And Then You'll Realize It's No Walk In The Park.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider. -- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

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