In Easter Week Move, Obama Nominates Jesus to Supreme Court

[news]

[news]

President Obama ramped up the pressure on Republicans today by withdrawing his nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court and replacing him with what he believes to be the ultimate consensus and "Holier than thou" candidate: Jesus of Nazareth.

In a press briefing at the White House, Obama said: "I have decided this Easter week to take advantage of the religious liberty afforded to me under the constitution and nominate the ultimate "hope" candidate to the Supreme Court. Jesus! I know he's never been a judge or a lawyer, but he's a supreme being, he believes in justice for all, so he's uniquely qualified to be a Supreme Court justice! Additionally, as he's blessed with eternal life, he'll be one heck of a lifetime appointment."

When asked by CNN's religious reporter, Evan Lee Farther, to expound on the specific attributes that Jesus would bring to the bench, Obama said: "Well, he's fiscally conservative, as he has demonstrated by feeding 5000 people with two loaves and five fishes. He walks on water as opposed to through it, so he clearly has an environmentally conscious, liberal side too. And best of all, he can turn water into wine, so he'll garner the support of all alcohol loving Republican and Democrat politicians -- which means everybody in the House and Senate!! -- no matter how he rules."

However, despite Obama's rationale and enthusiasm for Jesus, Republican leaders still crucified him for choosing the Son of God as his Supreme Court nominee -- and the most vociferous criticism came from Christian Conservatives themselves.

Speaking at the Pent-Up-Anger-Costal Ass Souls Church in Dallas, Texas, Ted Cruz said:
"Look folks, as a Christian I hate to admit this, but Jesus is an even bigger socialist than Bernie Sanders. He wants to feed the poor, so he's for government handouts. He believes in healing everybody -- that's support for Obamacare right there -- and he preaches peace on earth which means that our right to shoot people to death, aka bear arms, is going to go out of the Supreme Court window if he's on the bench. So I implore my colleagues in the Senate to refuse to hold confirmation hearings on Jesus."

Donald Trump also made his opinions known on Jesus's nomination, and as usual, went further than any other politician. In an interview on 'This Religious Week With a Greek Orthodox Guy Called George Stephanopoulos", Trump said:

"Believe me, if we really want to make America great again, we can't afford to have a 20019-year-old Palestinian who urges violence on the Supreme Court. I mean this guy once said "Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to cast a stone". So he believes in stoning people, just like Isis does! And even worse, he's actually on the record in the Bible encouraging people to do it! My advice on Jesus's nomination is therefore delay, delay, delay -- and for an eternity if necessary!"

The Republican opposition to Jesus's nomination gathered steam late today as Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnell confirmed that he would not hold confirmation hearings under any circumstances. And he cited as his reason a clash between Jesus's judicial philosophy of "love one another", and the Republican Party's inability to even like, never mind love, Hillary Clinton.

Nevertheless, Jesus himself seemed undeterred by Republican intransigence. In a statement from Heaven, he said: I would like to thank President Obama for nominating me to the US Supreme Court. I know, given the attitude of the Republican Party, that we're going to need a miracle to get me confirmed. So...thank God I'm Jesus!!" -- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.












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